May 25, 2021
Have you ever seen Will Smith’s movie Hitch? In the movie, Will plays the character of a dating coach where he helps men woo the women of their dreams.
Haven't you noticed how going on a great date with a hot woman can affect your psyche the very next day at work? If you're someone who hasn't been on a date in a while and would love to be on a date or you continuously bug people around you about why they haven't been on a date, then this episode is just for you.
Today’s guest is the real-life Hitch, Connell Barret, and author of “Dating Sucks, But You Don't: The Modern Guy's Guide to Total Confidence, Romantic Connection, and Finding the Perfect Partner.”
Connell is a dating coach and the founder of Dating Transformation who helps men connect with women by unlocking their best most authentic selves. He takes men who lack confidence and who don't know how to flirt, and he helps them find out who they are in the process of getting great relationships.
About 15 years ago, Connell found himself in a pattern of girls dumping him, which sent him on this downward spiral of realizing he needed to figure out this whole dating and relationship thing. He felt he wasn't good enough to be loved and it was a painful way to go through life. He didn't realize it wasn't the way it should be back then – he just thought that was the way it was. Ultimately, he decided to take massive action, try to fix the way he felt about himself, and get good at the art of dating.
Fast-forward to today, Connell has appeared on some shows across the country, including Access Hollywood and The Today Show as well as in magazines including Best Life, Cosmo, Oprah Magazine, and Playboy. He's also an advisor for AskMen. Connor lives and works in New York City.
Share this episode with three men who are really nice guys who just haven't figured it out yet for themselves and you think could really use some of Connell's advice to help them figure out how to live radically and in the most authentic way.
Highlights
Radical authenticity: Take authentic action even when it is scary because courage is part of this whole game. Lean into who you truly are.
Masks: We all wear all these different masks and these masks never felt good. A mask eats away the face. Trying to be somebody you're not just to impress a woman will only hurt you.
Vulnerability: Showing women your real side gives you the best chance to make a real connection with the kind of woman who likes that real, authentic you. That’s organic!
Experience: How can you make her smile while being the real true you? How can you give her a great experience and show her the true you?
Dating profile: Find out what kind of guy a woman likes by looking at your dating profile, which screens for the kind of woman who likes your type.
Online dating: It feels a lot less risky and scary to grab your phone and swipe one way or another. And it has made it harder for men to do the bold, brave, scary thing.
Risk: Because dating apps have reduced a lot of the anxiety and the feeling of romantic risk, a man's ability to take a real-life chance has gone down.
Fantasy: If you're a single man and you see an attractive woman, it's an opportunity to make her romantic comedy movie fantasy come true.
Strength: The man's job to lead within reason, at least in the courtship process. And then it's a woman's job to either follow you or not. It's like a dance. Take responsibility as a man in the courtship process.
Transparency: "What I'm thinking and feeling is what I'm saying and doing." Don't filter everything through the prism of what you think a woman wants.
Inner work: Dating success is 80% mindset and only 20% of it is technique – what you say, how you say it, your vocal tonality, etc. It first has to come from inside.
Self-worth: Write out a list of 25 reasons why you're a really good choice for any given woman. Read it out loud and it helps embed it more deeply in your psychology and you'll notice you're standing taller.
Reference experiences: Our brains need proof, not promises. We need to experience some result or success in life to know that we're good at it.
New actions: Confidence, kindness, warmth, and giving – we can't manufacture these emotions. We have to earn them. You need to understand and take new actions.
Rejection: Rejection is part of this whole process of dating. But when a woman turns you down, that’s not rejection. That's just information.
Thicken the skin: You must get rejected five straight times to thicken your skin to let go of that potential pain. And if any of the women likes you, go back to zero and start again.
True happiness: Romantic companionship and connection is essential for fulfillment for true happiness. It's a basic core human need to be touched, to be loved, to give love, to feel romantic connection, to have sex, to have friendship with our romantic partner.
Value: Feel your value that you are enough for anyone and once you get to that point, you can focus more on enjoying the process.
Links to continue to learn from Connell:
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Other An Interview With Melissa Llarena podcast episodes mentioned
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Books mentioned
Want to continue the conversation?
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