Apr 30, 2020
Dr. Rob shares some insights on what goes on in the mind of a cheater. Men do not see cheating as big of a betrayal as women do because they have the ability to detach sex from the relationship, whereas a woman will see sex as deeply connected to the relationship and when that breaks, a whole foundation comes down which can take over a year to recover from.
TAKEAWAYS:
[2:15] What is considered cheating? Is porn cheating? How about webcamming? How about talking to your exes?
[4:05] Cheating is the keeping of profound secrets in an intimate relationship.
[5:40] Cheating doesn’t have to be sex, either. You can lie to your spouse about money and that is also considered to be cheating.
[7:20] Men, for the most part, have the ability to detach sex from the relationship.
[8:45] A man typically doesn’t know how to fully heal their infidelity without professional help. Men just don’t understand women.
[11:35] It can take a year or more for a woman to overcome the betrayal and men want to repair the relationship way faster than that.
[13:15] Partners are often last to know about their partner’s infidelity.
[15:25] What goes on in the mind of a cheater?
[19:40] Spouses get caught in a cycle of trying to discover the true infidelity of the cheater because cheaters will only reveal information in steps or based on what you have uncovered.
[23:40] Are cheaters narcissists?
[29:20] Cheaters cheat because it gives them some form of control.
[31:15] Healthy people reach toward people for support and the addict reaches away.
RESOURCES:
The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’?
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency
QUOTES:
- “I call cheating the keeping of profound secrets in an intimate relationship.”
- “If you love somebody, you’re deeply connected to them, you’re not looking for what they’re doing wrong, you’re looking for what they’re doing right.”
- “Secrets kill relationships. Secrets kill trust. Trust is the backbone of the relationship.”
- “I have been running away from home for years. When all we really want to do is go ‘home’.”
- “When you’re in an affair, it’s very controllable. Nobody’s going to hurt you or let you down.”