Dec 27, 2018
Ross Rosenberg, psychotherapist, international speaker, author, and professional trainer joins the show today to talk with Rob about codependency, narcissism, and sex addiction. Ross explains his model of self-love deficiency disorder and talks about the work that he is doing at his Self Love Recovery Institute and with his Human Magnet Syndrome books. They also discuss what Ross defines as the core of codependency, the dance of SLDD and narcissism, the difference in getting help for women and men, and resources of how someone can begin to move from self-love deficiency to self-love abundance.
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:25] Ross Rosenberg is a psychotherapist, an international speaker and best selling author. He is a professional trainer who is considered an expert in the field of narcissism, trauma, codependency, and narcissistic abuse. His Human Magnet Syndrome has sold over 70,000 copies.
[5:25] Ross explains that codependency is really a problem with self love deficiency that traces back to early childhood trauma, core shame, and the addiction that one has that drives them into unhealthy relationships. The first step is to meet them where they are at, and affirm their experience in a way that resonates.
[7:40] Codependency is a symptom that will repeat itself, and Ross helps his clients understand that they are both the victim for what happened to them, along with responsible for their treatment and future.
[9:30] The “human magnet syndrome” is an unconscious dynamic that plays out no matter how much we desire to change our choices. Once one acknowledges it and heals to experience self love and hope, the true change of relationships can begin.
[12:29] Codependence has never been a diagnosis, and both Rob and Ross are finding strength based ways of healing rather than looking at our deficits and negative parts.
[19:23] The rules are changing on how information and help is accessible for people that may typically not have abundant resources. Ross and Rob both give out a wide amount of information for free or low cost on podcasts, webinars and YouTube videos.
[19:59] Although Ross sees females as 75% of who gets help as an SLDD, it really is more like 55% women and 45% men. It is exponentially harder and more shameful in our society for a man to admit and seek help for neglect, abuse and gaslighting in his relationship.
[24:19] Dependency is a good thing, and it is our nature and part of the human condition to long for connection and partnership.
[25:53] SLDD is an addiction, and the pain of being alone connects them to the core shame, that connects them to the pain as a child. They find a person that fits them best, which is most often a pathological narcissist or someone equally unavailable, such as an addict.
[26:37] Ross’s 4 Categories of Pathological Narcissists:
- Borderline
- Antisocial
- Personality Disorder
- Addict
RESOURCES:
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency
Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com
QUOTES:
- “People must understand the problem for what it really is, not what people have told them it is, or what they have been believing it is.”
- “It’s not a problem of bad decisions or bad thinking, it’s a problem of self love that is anchored in core shame, a fear of pathological loneliness and a powerful addiction.”
- “I don’t give people easy solutions, I give them the truth.”
- “We repeat patterns in which we get to the original template of which our relationships began.”
- “It’s much harder, and the shame is deeper for a man.”
- “The person with self love deficit disorder does not know what to do with a healthy person.”
- “Once the person solves the problem that keeps them from loving themselves, they will finally get what they deserve - someone who can love, respect and care for them.”