Jan 10, 2019
Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, joins the show today to talk about creating a long-lasting and secure relationship. He discusses his latest book, We Do, his work at the PACT Institute, and how we can encourage people to take time to have the important discussions before jumping in headfirst to a commitment or marriage. He also discusses the smart way to vet out a potential relationship, monogamy as a choice, the Commandments of a secure functioning relationship and advice for couples dealing with betrayal.
TAKEAWAYS:
[3:10] Stan Tatkin’s book, We Do is a pre-commitment manual, meant to help people understand the nuts and bolts about intimacy, agreements, and having a purpose and vision for being together.
[5:10] Monogamy is a choice, not something provided by nature. While it is nature’s plan to mix up the gene pool about every 4 years, honest and true intimacy is something very possible with the right tools.
[6:04] Love that stems from secure functioning is interdependent on the parties surviving and thriving together. It is a mutual agreement to protect each other, agree on being in it together, and a commitment to practice radical loyalty.
[8:07] In the early stages of a relationship we may get hooked in by love or even lust, but an attitude and spirit of collaboration and cooperation keeps us together.
[10:17] While most premarital counseling focuses on our goals surrounding finance and children, Dr. Tatkin feels it should be more about vision and expectations, to find out if we are really on the same page.
[12:19] Yes, it matters if your friends like your significant others. We can use our social networks to vet out our potential partners, and see how well we fit in the community together. When red flags are popping up from our family and friends on our partner, that is something to be taken seriously.
[14:48] Women also bond and release oxytocin in not just sex, but eye contact and kissing.
[15:48] Dr. Tatkin is interested in keeping partners together because our primary attachment bond has the ability to be the lighting rod to give hope and influence others in society.
[17:48] Although the human relationship is complex, we need it to survive. As primates, we are driven by attachment, community, interaction and relationships. Humans need each other to amplify our emotional states.
[23:09] Dr. Tatkin shares some of his Commandments for Enduring and Connected Love:
- We consult with each other first, and are aware that we are the rulers of our ecosystem.
- Our relationship comes first.
- We tell each other everything.
- We take threats off the table.
- We have each other’s backs, and know exactly how to protect each other’s vulnerabilities.
[28:08] Secure functioning doesn’t necessarily mean monogamy, it just means we agree and are up front about the big ticket items.
[30:24] Being able to depend on and trust our partners is the most important factor of long lasting and secure functioning relationships.
[32:29] Couples dealing with betrayal almost always need a mediator to help. It is never acceptable for someone that has betrayed you to rush your healing, or blame you for any part of their behavior.
[35:26] By nature humans are self serving, but when we seek to help not only ourselves but our partner, we can begin long lasting love.
[37:02] To stay healthy and happy we must have at least one secure functioning relationship.
RESOURCES:
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency
Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com
We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love
QUOTES:
- “People can save themselves a lot of pain if they just learn the nuts and bolts of being in an intimate relationship.”
- “People tend to think this is about me, or about you, but this really is about the human condition.”
- “More people are invested in finding the right person, than looking at the right relationship.”
- “There’s nothing harder than another person. But we need them.”
- “It’s about trust and reliability.”