EP159 Minisode: Processing the shame of past mistakes

Jan 11, 2025

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In this powerful and vulnerable episode, we explore how shame, one of the most corrosive human emotions, can shape our lives and fuel destructive behaviors like alcohol use. Colleen explains how shame works like an autoimmune disorder for the soul—turning us against ourselves and making us feel unworthy. She delves into the mental constructs that fuel the shame narrative and teaches us how to shift from self-judgment to self-acceptance. Colleen also shares a deeply personal story from her past to illustrate how shame can linger and how we can process it using a three-step framework for healing.

Whether you’re struggling with a drinking habit or just want to learn how to heal old emotional wounds, this episode offers actionable tools to help you move forward with dignity and self-respect.

Key Topics Covered:

1. The Nature of Shame

   • Shame as an “autoimmune emotion”—turning self against self.

   • How shame leads us to identify ourselves as the problem rather than looking at behaviors or circumstances neutrally.

   • The mental constructs that fuel shame: right vs. wrong, worthy vs. unworthy, acceptable vs. unacceptable.

2. Neutralizing Polarities

   • How viewing things in extremes (good vs. bad) intensifies shame.

   • The importance of accepting situations as they are—without judgment—to process and heal shame.

3. Personal Story: A Shame Wound from the Past

   • Colleen shares a story from her early teaching career where she made a mistake that caused lasting shame.

   • How avoidance, justification, and self-judgment kept the shame active for years.

   • Why acknowledging the full truth, without justifying or minimizing, is essential to healing.

4. Three-Step Framework for Processing Shame:

   • Step 1: It Could Have Been Worse

   • Acknowledge that while the situation wasn’t ideal, it could have been more harmful.

   • This perspective helps reduce the emotional charge.

   • Step 2: I Am Innocent

   • Accept that you were doing the best you could with the tools you had at the time.

   • Hold space for conflicting truths—you can make a mistake and still be a good person.

   • Step 3: Be Your Own Advocate

   • Extend dignity and self-respect to yourself.

   • Recognize that your body lives in the present moment and does not deserve punishment for a past story.

5. The Path to Emotional Sobriety

   • Learning to hold space for your whole truth without demonizing or glorifying.

   • Why avoiding or skipping over shame only perpetuates it.

   • How emotional safety with yourself is the foundation for true healing.

Actionable Homework:

1. Bring Shame into Consciousness

   • Recall a past experience that still triggers emotional pain.

   • Allow yourself to feel the discomfort without turning away.

2. Apply the Three Steps:

   • It could have been worse.

   • I am innocent; I did the best I could with what I knew.

   • I deserve dignity and self-respect.

3. Practice Self-Compassion

   • Put your hand on your heart and tell yourself: “I see you. I feel you. I’m not going to abandon you.”

Quote of the Episode:
“The path to healing your shame is not about building a stronger defense. It’s about dropping the defense altogether and saying, ‘This is what it is, and I accept the whole truth.’”