Dec 11, 2023
I think that it's definitely a complicated thing, no matter how great the conditions are. But it definitely did something for me to have contact with my biological part of the adoptee experience. - Ben Coolman
If the adoptee in your life is feeling overwhelmed by conflicting loyalties and uncertainty about where they belong, we want them to know they are not alone! Despite their efforts to maintain relationships with both sets of parents, they may find themself feeling torn between two worlds and struggling to find their own identity. This is a common experience for many kids and young adult adoptees who grew up in open adoptions, but there are ways to navigate this journey and find one’s authentic self.
In this episode, you will be able to:
Gain insight into unique open adoption experiences.
Navigate the challenges for adoptees of maintaining relationships with multiple parents.
Discover the need for support tailored for young male adoptees.
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✨Healing the Adoption Constellation database: UnravelingAdoption.com/Healing
💌Sign up for our Unraveling Adoption email list: http://eepurl.com/hVIAVX
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My special guest is Ben Coolman
Ben Coolman, a 23-year-old philosophy grad student at Boston College, joins Beth on this episode. Ben's unique experience as a same-race domestic adoptee in an open adoption from birth brings a fresh perspective to understanding the dynamics of open adoption. Growing up with other siblings (not biologically related) in open adoptions, Ben offers valuable insights on navigating relationships with multiple sets of parents and the impact of openness on his life. His candid approach and personal journey provide a relatable and insightful take on the complexities of open adoption, making this episode a must-listen for adoptive parents, young adult adoptees navigating similar experiences, and community members who want to understand adoption's complexities better.
Here's how to find Ben:
Follow Ben on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bencoolman1/
Connect with Ben on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ben.coolman.10
Reach out to Ben via email: BenCoolman@gmail.com
Other Resources:
APtitude Support Group for Adoptive Parents Facing Adoption’s Challenges: UnravelingAdoption.com/APtitude
Other Parents Like Me - oplm.com
Heather Ross - Life Coaching for Parents who have a child struggling with addiction: https://heatherrosscoaching.com/
Navigating the
Complexities
Navigating an open adoption's complex
dynamic demands strength and an intuitive understanding of human
emotions. Ben discussed how managing relationships with four
parents can occasionally be challenging, especially the pressure to
spend equal time with each parent. He also emphasized the
importance of personal growth, self-security, and following
intuition when managing the demanding task of evenly divided
attention and care.
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Unraveling Adoption is produced and hosted by Beth Syverson
Music written and performed by Joseph Nakao
Email questions or comments to Beth@UnravelingAdoption.com
Find us on Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube
Support Unraveling Adoption on Patreon: Patreon.com/UnravelingAdoption
Check out our website: www.UnravelingAdoption.com
Create your own podcast through Libsyn: https://signup.libsyn.com/?promo_code=ADOPTION
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Timestamped
summary of this episode:
00:00:00 - Introduction and Background
Beth introduces the podcast and her guest, Ben Coolman, a
23-year-old adoptee in an open adoption. Ben shares his origin
story, highlighting how his biological parents selected his
adoptive parents before his birth.
00:03:55 - Childhood Perceptions
Ben reflects on his childhood perceptions of adoption, including
his naive belief that everyone gets adopted. He also discusses his
experiences with visits from his biological parents and their
influence on his understanding of adoption.
00:08:18 - Contrasting Relationships
Ben explores the differences between his biological and adoptive
parents, highlighting their unique sensibilities and the distinct
ways he bonds with each of them. He also touches on his evolving
understanding of the adoption experience as he matures into
adulthood.
00:10:01 - Navigating Relationships
Ben discusses the challenges of managing multiple parental
relationships as a young adult. He shares his experience of
balancing holiday visits between his biological and adoptive
families, highlighting the complexities of maintaining these
connections.
00:13:47 - Personal Reflections
Ben reflects on his personality traits, noting his fluctuation
between being assertive and considering others' needs. He also
shares his attempts to integrate and balance his relationships by
finding a sense of belonging between his adoptive family in
Providence, Boston, and New York.
00:14:08 - Building in the Woods with Biological Father
Ben sets aside a month every summer to build in the woods with his
biological father, sacrificing time with friends. He shares about
their construction projects and the intense experience of working
together for a month.
00:16:20 - Advantages of Open Adoption
Ben reflects on the positive aspects of growing up in an open
adoption, including exposure to diverse experiences and the
interest his biological parents have in him. He emphasizes the
unique nature of his own open adoption experience.
00:18:13 - Disadvantages of Open Adoption
Ben discusses the complexities of open adoption, including the
internal struggle of feeling pulled between his biological and
adoptive parents. He shares how the contrasting backgrounds and
careers of his parents have influenced his perspective.
00:23:16 - Impact of Open Adoption on Identity
Ben delves into how open adoption has helped him make sense of his
story, providing insight into his background and the reasons behind
his adoption. He explores the concept of the adoption constellation
and its influence on his journey to self-coherence.
00:24:53 - Nature vs. Nurture
Ben reflects on the interplay between nature and nurture in shaping
his identity, acknowledging the impact of both sets of parents on
his development. He discusses how his career path aligns with his
adoptive parents' backgrounds while being influenced by his
biological parents' sensibilities.
00:27:46 - Connecting with Young Men
The host expresses the need for more young men to connect with her
son Joey and highlights his son's deep thinking. Ben offers to
interact with people on social media and shares his contact
information.