Aug 14, 2023
"As an adoptee, you want to be wanted. I thought, well, shoot, if I don't take this guy, I don't know if anyone else is going to come along." - Melissa Brunetti
Even though Melissa was an adoptee with a FABULOUS adoptive family, she realized that she was "in the fog" of adoption trauma in mid-life. In this episode, we delve into Melissa's heart-wrenching quest to unravel the mysteries of who she is, her traumatic relinquishment and reunion story, and her healing path.
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In this episode, you will be able to:
Engage with a firsthand account elevating an adult adoptee's voice
Appreciate the empowering role of support networks within the adoption community.
Delve into the intriguing, sometimes challenging quest for personal identity.
Grasp how novel healing modalities can bolster adoptees' emotional resilience.
My special guest is Melissa Brunetti
Melissa Brunetti hails from the heart of California, where she not only navigates the complexities of life as a domestic adoptee but also helps others on their paths as well. Having once navigated the societal expectations to perfection - marriage, children and career included - Melissa had hit a rather low point around her 40th birthday and realized there was more to life than just ticking boxes. This realization transformed her life and she has been sharing her valuable insights on her podcast 'Mind Your Own Karma the Adoption Chronicles'. Additionally, Melissa's leadership contributions at Fireside Adoptees have been commendable as she continues to spread awareness around the intricacies of adoption.
The resources mentioned in this episode are:
Check out Melissa's podcast, Mind Your Own Karma the Adoption Chronicles, to hear more stories and insights related to adoption: https://www.mindyourownkarma.com/
Visit Fireside Adoptees to learn more about the work that Melissa is doing on their leadership team: https://www.facebook.com/fireside.adoptees.and.allies
Watch the Fireside adoptees constellation roundtable hosted by Melissa, featuring a birth parent, an adoptive parent (Beth Syverson, this podcast's host) and an adoptee, to gain perspectives from different members of the adoption constellation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7NP310pCVA&t=3224s
Listen to the episode of Melissa's podcast where Beth Syverson was a guest, discussing the adoptive parent's perspective: https://www.mindyourownkarma.com/podcast/episode/25330945/s2e47-adoptive-parent-beth-syverson-what-every-adoptive-parent-should-know
Other Resources:
Other Parents Like Me - https://www.facebook.com/other.parents.like.me
Heather Ross - Life Coaching for Parents of Addicted Teens: https://heatherrosscoaching.com/
Find a Tele-Therapist: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/online-counseling
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Unraveling Adoption is created by Joseph Nakao and Beth Syverson
Music written and performed by Joseph Nakao
Cover art by Joseph Nakao, photo by Beth Syverson
Email questions or comments to Beth@UnravelingAdoption.com
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Support Safe Home on Patreon: Patreon.com/SafeHome
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Unique experiences of adoptees -
Each adoption journey is unique, with adoptees experiencing a distinctive mix of emotions, challenges, and triumphs. Understanding these distinctive experiences helps to demystify the complex realities of adoption and raises awareness of the varied perspectives within the adoption community. Appreciating these individual journeys fosters empathy and validation, which are crucial for the emotional well-being of adoptees.
Mutual support and validation -
The universal need for support and validation is amplified in the adoption community. Adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents all benefit from shared experiences and collective understanding. By fostering an environment of empathy, encouragement, and mutual respect, adoptees can better navigate their unique circumstances, validate their experiences, and find solidarity within the adoption community.
Timestamped summary of this episode:
00:01:11 - Melissa's Adoption Story,
Melissa shares her adoption story, explaining that she was born in
the Baby Scoop Era and was placed in foster care before being
adopted at ten weeks old. Despite having great adoptive parents,
Melissa struggled with self-esteem and unhappiness throughout her
life.
00:05:45 - Positive Adoption Experience,
Melissa expresses her gratitude for having wonderful adoptive
parents who supported her. However, she still felt the effects of
adoption, such as fear and a loss of identity. She also discusses
her health issues and how her mother believes the adoption agency
failed to disclose them.
00:08:13 - Losing Herself,
Melissa reflects on how she always did what was expected of her,
never considering her own wants and needs. She shares that she
latched onto the first person who wanted her and eventually married
him. However, she became increasingly unhappy and lost touch with
her true self.
00:09:41 - Coming Out of the Fog,
Melissa discusses her mental and physical health decline, which led
to feelings of anxiety and suicidal thoughts. After hitting rock
bottom, she decided to fight her way back to herself and start
living a more authentic life. She also mentions her current
relationship and the growth she has experienced
00:12:56 - Initial Rejection and Reunion,
Melissa discusses her initial reaction to her birth mother giving
her a book about adoption and the subsequent reunion with her birth
mother. She shares her feelings of anger and confusion, as well as
the challenges of navigating a new relationship with her birth
mother while maintaining her strong bond with her adoptive
mother.
00:14:28 - Challenging Expectations and Secondary Rejection,
Melissa explores the expectations her birth mother had for their
relationship and how they differed from her own expectations. She
shares her experience of receiving a letter from her birth mother
ending their relationship and the feelings of personal rejection
and sadness that followed.
00:16:01 - Lack of Adoption Resources and Guidance,
Melissa reflects on the lack of resources and support she had
during her adoption journey, including not knowing about the
concept of the "primal wound" or the impact it could have on her.
She also discusses the common societal belief that having great
adoptive parents automatically guarantees a happy and fulfilled
life.
00:17:27 - Other Birth Relatives and Limited Connections,
Melissa shares that she is in touch with some of her birth
siblings, but had limited connection with her biological father
before he passed away. She discusses the surface-level nature of
their relationship and the challenges of building deeper
connections with birth relatives.
00:18:55 - Discovering the Adoption Community and Pivoting the
Podcast,
Melissa reveals that she only recently discovered the adoption
community and the different perspectives within the adoption
triad.
00:25:45 - Creating a Safe Space on Fireside,
Melissa shares how Fireside provides a safe space for adoptees to
share their stories, vent, and discuss various topics. The platform
allows for anonymity and flexibility, fostering a sense of
community and support for adoptees.
00:26:11 - Empowering Adoptees' Voices,
Melissa expresses the importance of adoptees having a voice without
fear of rejection or abandonment. Being able to freely express
oneself and have autonomy is crucial for their well-being and
personal growth.
00:27:06 - The Journey to Self-Consultation,
Melissa reflects on the wish to have known that self-consultation
and self-expression were valid and acceptable at a younger age.
Overcoming the fear of displeasing others and prioritizing one's
own needs is a common struggle for adoptees, particularly
women.
00:28:18 - Authenticity and Relationships,
Melissa shares her personal experience of being authentic and
facing resistance from her son during her divorce. Despite
initially straining their relationship, her son eventually came to
accept and understand her decision to prioritize her own
well-being.
00:29:28 - Healing in Adoption,
Melissa discusses her focus on the healing aspect of adoption and
her plans to pursue somatic hypnosis training. She believes that
traditional therapy may not fully address the unique needs of
adoptees and aims to provide alternative approaches to support
their healing journey.