Sep 18, 2023
Uncover the profound journey of a late discovery adoptee (LDA) as he confronts the shocking truth of his adoption, embarks on a relentless search for his birth family, and navigates the complex emotions and conflicting loyalties that arise along the way. Find out the interesting way he found out he was adopted in his mid-50s, even though his adoptive parents were planning to go to the grave without him finding out.
"Finding my biological family was a journey filled with ups and downs, but in the end, it helped me understand a part of myself that I never knew existed." -- Peter O'Brien
In this episode, you will be able to:
Expose the clandestine aspects of late adoption and learn how to surf the emotional rollercoaster it brings to the adoptee.
Learn about the significant role of DNA testing in the quest for unveiling birth family genealogy.
Realize the damage caused by secrecy within adoption and the indispensable role of openness.
Understand the emotional maze that reunions can present and how to manage challenging expectations and outcomes.
Arm yourself with the knowledge to extend support to those on their epic journey of finding biological roots and reckoning with adoption.
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My special guest is Peter O'Brien
Today’s guest on Unraveling Adoption is the fascinating Peter O'Brien. A late discovery adoptee, Peter's world was transformed in his mid-50s as he unearthed the secret of his adoption. Originating from Sydney, Australia, this retired accountant-turned-genealogist, leveraged his passion for family history to aid his personal awakening and understanding of his adoption journey. While his incredible story does have a twist of irony to it, it demonstrates Peter's resilience and strength in facing intriguing and often challenging revelations. His wisdom and experiences provide invaluable insights for those just discovering their adoption and grapplying with the multifaceted complexities.
The resources mentioned in this episode are:
Contact Peter directly: pmo2167@gmail.com
Connect with the Post Adoption Resource Center in New South Wales for assistance and support in your own adoption journey: https://www.benevolent.org.au/services-and-programs/list-of-programs/post-adoption-resource-centre-nsw
Listen to Unraveling Adoption’s episode with DNA expert Julie Dixon Jackson: https://directory.libsyn.com/episode/index/id/26761494
If you are an adoptee, consider seeking counseling or therapy to process the emotions and complexities that may arise from learning about your adoption later in life. Here is a list of adoptee therapists in the US: https://growbeyondwords.com/adoptee-therapist-directory/
If you are an adoptive parent, educate yourself on the importance of open and honest communication with your child about their adoption story. Join APtitude Support Group for Adoptive Parents Facing Adoption's Challenges: https://forms.gle/vD8mfJy3fJUDmCJe6
The Role of DNA Testing in Finding Relatives
DNA testing has emerged as a crucial tool for adoptees seeking to
uncover their genetic roots and find their biological families. For
Peter, DNA genealogy was instrumental in locating his birth mother
and unraveling the identity of his birth father. However, it's
crucial to manage expectations when using DNA testing, as the
results can sometimes lead to complex and challenging family
dynamics like in Peter's case of finding out his birth father had
abandoned both his families.
The Impact of Secrets in Adoption
Adoption secrets can have profound implications on an adoptee's
sense of self and their emotional well-being. The harm induced by
such secrecy can be long-lasting, creating feelings of betrayal and
resentment, as evidenced by Peter's experience. This key value
underscores the importance of transparency in adoption, advocating
for a shift from earlier practices of shrouding adoption in
secrecy, towards a more open and supportive approach.
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Other Resources:
APtitude Support Group for Adoptive Parents Facing Adoption’s Challenges: UnravelingAdoption.com/APtitude
Other Parents Like Me - oplm.com
Heather Ross - Life Coaching for Parents who have a child struggling with addiction: https://heatherrosscoaching.com/
Adoptee-Therapist Directory: https://growbeyondwords.com/adoptee-therapist-directory/
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Unraveling Adoption is produced and hosted by Beth Syverson
Music written and performed by Joseph Nakao
Email questions or comments to Beth@UnravelingAdoption.com
Find us on Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube
Support Unraveling Adoption on Patreon: Patreon.com/UnravelingAdoption
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Timestamped summary of this episode:
00:00:00 - Introduction and Background
Host Beth Syverson introduces the podcast and guest Peter O'Brien,
a late discovery adoptee. Peter shares that he found out he was
adopted in his mid-50s and discusses his childhood, which was
seemingly normal with loving parents. He mentions that adoption was
not on his radar until he learned the truth.
00:04:16 - Discovery of Adoption
Peter's mother, who had dementia, revealed to his sister that he
was adopted while in a nursing home. His sister, unsure if he was
aware, eventually told him the truth. Peter experienced conflicting
emotions of anger and gratitude towards his parents for never
telling him.
00:09:42 - Searching for Biological Family
Peter quickly took action to find his birth mother after receiving
basic information from the Post Adoption Resource Center. With his
genealogy background, he located her within a few hours. Through an
intermediary, he established contact and eventually met his birth
mother, along with her siblings.
00:11:46 - Meeting Birth Mother
Peter's initial meeting with his birth mother and her family was
both lovely and traumatic. There were many people present,
including Peter's wife, daughter, and sister. Although his birth
mother was initially overwhelmed, they continued to stay in touch
and develop a relationship.
00:12:16 - Continued Relationship
Peter and his birth mother maintained regular contact through phone
calls and visits. Despite living a few hours apart, they made
efforts to see each other.
00:13:54 - The Connection with Birth Mother,
The guest discusses how most adoptees are naturally gravitated
towards their birth mother and recalls that his birth mother had a
strong negative feeling towards his birth father even 55 years
later.
00:14:20 - Challenges in Discovering Birth Father,
The guest shares that his birth mother eventually developed
dementia before he could press the issue further, and she passed
away shortly after they met. He then explains how he took a DNA
test to find his birth father but initially struggled to understand
the results.
00:15:45 - Finding DNA Matches and Identifying Grandparents,
The guest describes how he took a DNA test with Ancestry and
eventually got better results and more helpful DNA matches. After
researching his grandparents, he identifies a younger son who could
potentially be his father and reaches out to his aunt and cousin
for confirmation.
00:17:17 - Confirming Father's Identity,
The guest explains how his cousin did a DNA test, which proved that
they were first cousins, ultimately confirming the identity of his
birth father. He reveals that his birth father had already passed
away and had a complicated personal history, including abandoning
his first family.
00:19:55 - Challenges in Building Relationships,
The guest reflects on the difficulty of building relationships with
his birth family, as they come from different backgrounds and have
little in common apart from their DNA. He also shares that some
family members were not receptive to forming a relationship,
leading to strained connections.
00:27:43 - The Impact of DNA Genealogy for Adoptees,
DNA genealogy provides a significant help to adoptees, especially
those who find out about their adoption later in life. It takes a
weight off their shoulders and allows them to navigate their new
reality more easily.
00:29:24 - Unraveling Family Secrets through DNA Testing,
DNA tests have revealed many family secrets, including cases where
people discover that their supposed family tree is incorrect.
Adoptees and others have found unexpected relatives and uncovered
hidden truths through DNA matches.
00:30:05 - Changing Attitudes towards Adoption and Secrets,
The societal attitudes towards adoption and secrets have been
evolving. In the past, adoption was often shrouded in secrecy and
shame. However, with the advancement of DNA testing and changing
social norms, there is a growing emphasis on openness and honesty
in adoption.
00:31:49 - Embracing the Possibility of Biological Family
Connections,
Adoptive parents and adoptees should see the discovery of
biological family as an addition to their lives, rather than
something that takes away from their existing relationships. It is
important to approach reunions and connections with realistic
expectations.
00:35:25 - The Emotional Complexity of Adoption Reunions,
Reconnecting with biological family members can be emotionally
complex. While some reunions are positive and fulfilling, others
may be challenging or disappointing. Managing expectations and
seeking support from adoption therapists can be helpful in
navigating these reunions.