Aug 25, 2026
In this episode, I sit down with Dr. Özgür Bolat, an education scientist, parenting researcher, and internationally recognized expert on intrinsic motivation.
Dr. Bolat’s work challenges one of the biggest assumptions many parents, teachers, and leaders have been taught to believe: that rewards motivate people.
In this conversation, we talk about The Reward Trap and how praise, punishment, rewards, and external validation can shape children into adults who constantly seek approval, achievement, and success in order to feel worthy.
Dr. Bolat shares his own story of academic success, including Harvard, Cambridge, MIT, and major research recognition, and explains how he eventually realized that his happiness had become tied to achievement. That realization led him to study how childhood reward systems can create approval-seeking adults who struggle to feel valuable without external success.
We talk about parenting, motivation, discipline, confidence, perfectionism, emotional resilience, and why the real goal is not to control our children, but to connect with them.
About the Guest
Dr. Özgür Bolat is an education scientist, parenting researcher, and expert on intrinsic motivation.
A Fulbright Scholar, he earned his master’s degree from Harvard Graduate School of Education before completing his PhD at the University of Cambridge, where he also conducted research at MIT Sloan School of Management.
He is the author of The Reward Trap, a book that challenges the belief that rewards and incentives are the best way to motivate children. Drawing on decades of research in psychology, neuroscience, and education, Dr. Bolat explains why rewards may improve behavior in the short term but can undermine intrinsic motivation, creativity, resilience, and a genuine love of learning over time.
His work helps parents, educators, and leaders create environments where people thrive through purpose, autonomy, and connection instead of external validation.
Key Takeaways
→ Why rewards and praise can create approval-seeking children
→ How childhood praise can shape the way adults chase success
→ Why external validation creates fragile happiness
→ The difference between intrinsic motivation and extrinsic motivation
→ Why rewards can feel like a battery that constantly needs to be refilled
→ How praise, rewards, and punishment can come from the same controlling mindset
→ Why parents often use praise to control outcomes without realizing it
→ Why Dr. Bolat believes the goal should be connection over control
→ How autonomy-supportive parenting helps children feel understood
→ Why parents should ask why a child does not want to do something before trying to force compliance
→ When control is appropriate, especially in situations involving safety or protection
→ Why routines work better when they are built through relationship
→ How the PEACE model helps parents understand a child’s perspective, needs, emotions, engagement, and commitment
→ Why saying “I am proud of you” can sometimes create dependence on achievement
→ The difference between being loved for who you are and being praised for what you achieve
→ Why “you worked hard for this” can be more helpful than person-based praise
→ The difference between excellence and perfectionism
→ Why children should be allowed to experience frustration and disappointment
→ How rescuing children from negative emotions can weaken resilience
→ Why the best parenting blends structure with emotional validation
→ How today’s parents can take the structure of past generations and combine it with the emotional awareness of modern parenting
Closing Thoughts
This conversation with Dr. Bolat reminded me that so much of how we lead, parent, work, and chase success starts much earlier than we realize.
Many of us were taught to connect achievement with approval.
Get the grade.
Win the award.
Earn the praise.
Receive the reward.
Make people proud.
And while those things can produce success, they can also create adults who never feel like they are enough unless they are achieving something.
Dr. Bolat’s message is powerful because it asks us to rethink motivation from the inside out.
The goal is not to raise children who only behave well when there is a reward waiting.
The goal is to raise children who understand themselves, trust themselves, manage hard emotions, and develop the internal motivation to do what matters.
That requires connection.
It requires structure.
It requires patience.
It requires allowing children to struggle sometimes.
And it requires reminding them that they are loved for who they
are, not just what they achieve.
Because the best kind of motivation is not the kind we have to constantly refill from the outside.
It is the kind that grows from within.