May 11, 2023
Dr. Rob joins this week’s podcast in a solo episode to talk about the concept of forgiveness. The truth is, there is no true deadline or timeframe as to when you should forgive someone for all the hurt and damage they’ve caused you, so how do you move forward? Dr. Rob shares the stages of forgiveness and offers context and support on why you might still be resentful and/or revengeful towards the person that hurt you the most.
TAKEAWAYS:
[2:30] How do you forgive someone you do not trust?
[3:45] Many people believe they don’t think they could ever forgive or forget the damage their addict has caused them.
[4:20] Forgiving and forgetting are not the same thing.
[9:30] Other people were able to see it, so why couldn’t you? Dr. Rob shares why.
[13:20] There are many stages of grief and we can flutter in between each of them back and forth.
[17:15] You have the right to be upset! You have the right to be furious!
[20:20] No one is truly ready to forgive. You can’t just say ‘now is the time’.
[23:30] How do you not hold a grudge/be resentful when your addict is on their path to recovery?
[28:15] If someone doesn’t want to act with empathy and to think of the other person, then they shouldn’t be in a relationship.
[33:00] It’s so attractive and validating to want to punish your addict for all the transgressions they’ve done to you.
[36:10] What are the stages of forgiveness?
[37:35] You can get stuck during the forgiveness process. This isn’t an easy thing to do.
RESOURCES:
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency
Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss
QUOTES:
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“The whole idea of forgiveness creates conflict within us because we feel we need to reach a ‘certain point’ and at that point, we’re ready to forgive”
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“A lot of us struggle with forgiveness because, in part, we blame ourselves. We say, ‘We should have known.’ and that’s when forgiveness becomes complicated.”
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“There’s a great reality of this loss and its effects. We can’t deny them, we can’t push them away, and we can’t say to ourselves ‘it’s time to forgive’.”