Oct 18, 2022
Let's talk about how you can find your purpose, BESIDES being a mom, I have three steps for you in this week’s podcast and this week I am calling for 50 moms from 50 US states to become my beta readers in exchange for your name in my book credits. Send me a DM on Instagram @melissallarena with the word BETA if you want to join me as an early reader of my non-fiction book for moms who want to say good-bye to self-neglect/old mom paradigms, figure out what lights them up, and imagine actually going for it!
What follows below is the transcript to this week's solo episode...
So as a stay at home mom, for the last 11 years, I have used my business, this podcast as my life force. I mean, I have too many unrealized dreams. And honestly, I've always loved a dare. But what I've noticed out there being amongst many stay at home moms, is that you might feel like you could not possibly push yourself enough to figure out what it is that you're meant to do, besides being a mom. In this solo episode, I want to give you practical, simple to explore ideas that are going to help you understand what your purpose might be. Besides being a mom. Now, I've been doing my due diligence and just looking at all the forums online. And ultimately, what I have heard from stay at home moms these days, is that you might feel a bit useless. Not as a mom, not as a caretaker. But just in the outside world, you might also feel like you don't have a purpose, you might feel like you don't have real value because you're not bringing home the bacon.
And ultimately, across the board, in terms of what I've noticed from my peers stay at home moms, is that a lot of us feel lonely. And that's why this episode is so important, especially if you want to turn things around for yourself. Because ultimately, no one is going to give you permission, no one is going to tap you on the shoulder. No one is going to help you find your own source of purpose, give you energy, nor give you a blueprint to how you will find what you were meant to do. Besides being a mom that is now I know that this is like I mean, I have such audacity here, right? Shouldn't being a stay at home mom, Shouldn't that be the ultimate source of fulfillment and purpose? Are we not doing the most important, critical, urgent job on this planet? It's really interesting because I will say this. A lot of times, that's what we hear. We hear that from society, we hear how being a mom is the ultimate self sacrificial job and how there is nothing more satisfying than being a mom. But I'm here to say that personally, it wasn't enough for me. Personally, I needed to stay in tuned with the activities that gave me life that have contributed to me having orals of energy, and that have made me happy. And oftentimes, I had to do things that were just not on the menu, not available for moms, things that maybe even 12 year old dudes would be doing. For example, having a conversation with Gary Vee, not on the menu for me, or launching a podcast not on the menu for stay at home mom, or deciding to I don't know, travelled to Uluru in Australia by myself for a weekend between the pandemic's lockdowns not on the menu for a mom with three kids. But these are the things that I had to do for myself. And if you're a stay at home, mom, chances are it's been some time since you've had an opportunity to do something for yourself. And therein lies the answer to this question. How is it that you might go about finding your purpose besides being a mom, so what When I think about this idea, when I first took on the role of motherhood back in 2011, I will say that I had certain expectations and assumptions about what it is to be a mom. And in a book that I'm writing, I've called it these mom scripts. So just like an actress, just like an actor, you get a script, you have a good sense of how you're supposed to play this role. And oftentimes, this script is provided to us by our family, by peers, maybe even by society. And I will say that once I got the script, I was totally not excited about it. I mean, when I first became a mom to my first son, and I realized that I would have to be a stay at home mom, according to my own trust issues, I will fully admit, I was bawling. I was sitting in a rocking chair, I found out that my perfectly and you don't see the air quotes, but perfectly orchestrated childcare solution fell apart before it even began. And I was bawling. For me it was like, Okay, what was I doing this whole time pursuing the harder academic subjects going totally all out? I mean, gangbusters, in terms of my education, like, what was that all about? If ultimately, what I was going to become, in that moment, was a stay at home mom. And so beyond the bawling beyond the crying beyond the emotions, I gave it a go, I tried, I really, really tried to relish in being a mom. I mean, I hung out with moms, watching daytime TV, I walked alongside moms, while I had my baby on my ergo, baby thingamajig. I mean, it was really exploring the stay at home mom thing. But ultimately, I was only able to do it for six months. For six months, I did what stay at home moms do. And I found it really hard to feel grateful for being able to be a stay at home mom and be quote, unquote, limited to the certain things. Here are the things that for me, of course, I was grateful in the moment. But ultimately, they just were not enough. For example, seeing my sons take their first steps. Absolutely. I was thrilled to see their first steps. But ultimately, what about me, like you're witnessing kids who are developing in like at rapid speeds, accomplishing things that are like incredible, but then it begs the question, so what are we chicken liver? So that was a thought that passed through my mind. Another one was this idea. Okay, I have the flexibility to attend all of my son's doctor's visits, all of the immunizations, but still, ultimately, he would leave all those visits weeping. And there I was trying to figure out how to comfort him. I mean, was grateful that I could go to the doctor's visits, obviously. But still, what about me, like, I was looking at the doctors or the pediatricians and I was like, man, they have their own office, their names are on the door, they're getting major money from the healthcare institutions, like, wow, they've got a career, what about me, so I get it how being a mom has been put on a pedestal as being the most noble job. But ultimately, if you're like me, or the moms that have written extensively on these mom forums, maybe it's not enough for you. Maybe you feel like, there's got to be more to it. So this is where this concept comes into play. Let me share this idea of jet fuel. So to me, when I'm plugged into my purpose, I feel energy that's really hard to explain. When I feel like I am doing something that is just for me, even if it sounds selfish, there's just something inside of me, that makes me go and not feel drained. It makes me feel like high on life. And what I want to say in this conversation with you, my dear listener, is that you too, as a stay at home mom, you're going to need energy to find your purpose. And I know right now, it might feel totally unattainable. But I promise I'll give you a couple of steps here. That'll get you closer. You are also going to need to explore different purposes. Now, the term purpose sounds super broad, but let's just imagine that your purpose can be found by way of doing an activity. And the third point is that you're going to have to surround yourself Have around other purpose chasers. So here's where I think it's important for us to have an honest talk, mom, to Mom, if right now you are finding yourself really almost like hiding out at home, because you don't feel like you have something exciting to talk about. Or maybe you feel a bit insecure, and you just stay in the background, when you're out there with your partner, maybe because you just don't feel confident enough about who you are, as a wonderful human, then it's really, really important for you to catch this concept, achieving something for yourself, figuring out what dreams you want to pursue only for you, that's going to give you everything that you need, it's going to give you that sensation that is going to wake you up in the middle of the night, excited about an idea that bubbles up to your mind, it's gonna give you the ultimate excuse for talking to strangers, is going to help you carve out even 10 minutes a day to work on your dreams. So it's important, you need some jet fuel. And without that jet fuel or source of energy or Spark, we can call it what we may, life just feels dull. It really, really does feel dull. For me, my creative projects, my client work these podcast conversations. Usually when I'm interviewing someone, or my jet fuel, like these are the things that I was told would have to take a back seat once I pushed out my son's. But honestly, if I never explored my interests beyond being a mom, and trying to be a good one, then I would have never figured out what activities actually energized me. Which activities gave me the most life, which activities if I did them that day, would result in a happier mom. And I know that a lot of moms out there are dangerously low on jet fuel. I mean, super dangerously low. And so that's why this idea of your mom's script and the expectations that you were told, come with being a mom is really, really important. I mean, I write extensively about this idea in the book that I'm writing right now. And I think it's important because a lot of what we were told about being a mom, and namely being a stay at home mom, it really results in feeling shackled, feeling limited. I'll give you an example. Like right now, let's just say that you're thinking about things that are available to you over the course of this week for you, you might say yes, going to a PTA is available to me, that's what's expected as a mom. Now taking a break dancing class in the middle of the day, even if it's a free dance break dancing class is not available to me as a mom. So like, where did this notion come from? Right as to what is available to you, as a mom, what is not available? That is what I'm referring to as a mom scripts. So as a mom, when you gave birth, and you were welcomed into the mom club, as I was when I gave birth by my mom, she said welcome to the mom club, there were certain things that were off limits for me certain environments that I shouldn't be in. I'll give you an example. And this might be so high, I don't even know. But don't judge me on this. So let's just imagine that you no longer because now you're a stay at home mom, and you're supposed to be really busy always cleaning your house, you can no longer take a Saturday morning off, like until the kid is 18. And you are no longer invited to attend. I don't even know ComiCon let's say right, that conference in New York City with all the costumes and such. Like who's to say moms are not allowed in that environment? Right? But maybe it's something that you learned from your mom, maybe you never witnessed your mom explore things that were outside of motherhood expectations. Maybe you never saw your mom, essentially, quote, unquote, be a little selfish and try things that technically were reserved for people that didn't have kids or for our own kids. And so for me, I didn't realize that there were lots of things that all of a sudden I felt like I was closing the door on because I was a mom. It was almost like I was programmed. Right? And ultimately, a lot of us are programmed through the age of Seven in terms of how our parents would like us to behave. And this is something that goes on realize if you're just on autopilot, as so many stay at home moms and working moms tend to be. So those first six months when I tried to be a stay at home mom, and I had no goals, but to be a mom, I II make sure my kids survived. I felt like my arms and legs were like flailing. Like I had no idea, like how to be anything. But a lackluster. Regular mom. Like it just didn't give me that excitement if it was not enough jet fuel, like how was I supposed to be so excited for a cutesy, cuddly baby, if I just did not feel excited. And I'm not even talking about postpartum, we're talking about even later on, when all those hormones had subdued, I still didn't feel the thrill. I didn't feel like my kid even deserved to completely fulfill all of my hopes and dreams. I needed something more. So here we go. What are the three steps that you can take practical steps to actually figuring out what your purpose might be? Or what is it going to take for you to almost generate your own jet fuel, so that this way, you are totally, totally alive?
Step 1 starts with giving yourself permission to pick items off of the kiddie menu.
I did this the other day. So I went to this like Mediterranean fast food place. And they had these like Buddha bowl thingamajigs. And they had the menu for adults. And then they had the kiddie menu. And I honestly had to think to myself, Okay, are they going to let me choose from the kiddie menu? Like, is that available to me. And so I went ahead, and I got the kiddie menu item, and no one even questioned my choice. Same thing for you. Think about it this way. Again, this is step one, super practical. Right now, as a mom, as a stay at home mom, you are also a curriculum designer for your family. So let's imagine that you have children with different interests, and you're trying to figure out how to bring forth an artistic interest in one of your kids. So you go ahead and look up library events that have to do with art, or you look up art classes that are extracurriculars. What if what if you did this for yourself? What if rather than take your daughter to dance class, you went to the dance class yourself? Now I know, you're gonna say, Melissa, what's the priority that's going to cost money? You know, I've already quote unquote, lived my life. That's a mom's script, by the way. So here's what I want to say to you. Here's why this is important. Why this matters, and why your excuse is just not enough. If right now, again, back to the drawing board. If right now you feel like you don't have that enthusiasm over your life, what you're doing something exciting to talk about with anyone, not because you're trying to impress them, but because you're just so excited about what you've got going on, then take this opportunity. Just think to yourself, like the curriculum designer that all stay at home moms are, what can I pick from the kiddie menu? What can I explore? That might make me the happiest mom on the block? What can I do that might make me remember who I was before being a mom that breakdancer? Let's just imagine, like really think about this, broadly, again, let go of these moms scripts of the expectations of the things that are available for moms, what's available for your kid? What's available for your children? Go there. Get something off the kiddie menu, I promise you. No one is going to question your choice. And now we'll go into the logistics. And of course that's going to include your partner if you have one.
Step 2. I want you to work out the logistics as you do for EVERYONE else.
Now. You're a mom, you're a stay at home mom. If I know anything about you very specifically. It's that you're a logistics ninja for everyone. else's logistics. So let's just imagine that super last minute, your child procrastinated, they forgot that they have to be somewhere. And it was just essential. I know what you as a stay at home mom would do, you'd make it happen, somehow, you would pull out a rabbit from a hat, and figure out how to take your kid from point A to B. And the interesting part here is that you have this muscle, and it's really strong, you could use it for yourself. So let's imagine you wanted to take a break dancing class. And I want to just like, share this with you. Not everything cost money. There are some breakdancing classes that you could probably take for free. So let's just put that to the side. But let's continue with the logistics. Let's imagine you want to take a break dancing class, right? And you need to think about logistics. One big piece of the puzzle is that you need to tell your partner if you have one, or you need to figure out your childcare situation. Now, what I know about you, fellow stay at home mom, is that you know how to make stuff happen. You know, how to bring together all of your resources when it comes to everyone else. And so what I'm asking you to do right now is to use this superpower for yourself for this new interest that might actually reveal part of your purpose, and if nothing else, will make you a happier mom.
Wait, what if you feel resistant in changing your schedule or asking someone else to change there’s?
So here's where resistance comes in. Okay. I don't want to ask my husband to take care of the kids on Saturday morning. Let's just imagine that's an excuse or resistance. Here's how you work through that. Breakout, a journal or notebook, I want you to ask yourself this question. And literally write out in bullet form your answers until your hand hurts, or you have a really honest response.
Here's the question, you ready for it? Okay, now you might be driving. So just like take this in and contemplate whether this might be a point of resistance for you. I want you to ask yourself, why? Why do I not want to tell my husband about caring for the kids on Saturday morning. And the reason why it's important for you to understand the reason for your resistance to doing any of these steps in terms of the logistics, like, Why? Why do I want to ask my husband to cook breakfast on Saturday morning, whereas I usually cook breakfast on Saturday morning. The reason why you have to really be self aware around the reasons why you don't take action for yourself, is because you need to get to the crux of the matter. You need to get to the absolute truth. What is it? What are you telling yourself? What are you making it mean when you choose to take a break dancing class on a Saturday morning, instead of quote unquote, doing your mom duties? Or taking your child to jujitsu or taking your child and you know, making pancakes for them on Saturday morning? What is it that you're making this mean? What is it telling your husband when you're asking for him to step in on a Saturday morning? What are you afraid of is going to happen? Do you feel like you will no longer be needed on Saturday mornings Do you feel then that this is going to drip into Sunday mornings, and maybe your partner can handle Monday mornings, like it's so important because these logistics, if we're really, really honest with ourselves a stay at home moms, these logistics are doable for every buddy else in your house. If you are choosing not to take that break dancing class, for any reason, other than you don't want to explore break dancing, or you might break a wrist or something, then it's important for you to understand why why without that inner work, it's going to be really, really hard to implement the steps along your mom journey. Because your interests, the things that give you your jet fuel or make you feel like you have a sense of purpose. Besides being a mom. It evolves, it changes. And so you're gonna need to do this every so often. So that's how you will work out the logistics. You'll get it done, as you have before for everyone else except this time for you and the points of resistance. It's about writing out why you feel that resistance. What are you making it mean? Why are you hesitant to ask your husband to step in? Or why are you not asking your mother to help you take care of your kids? There's usually something way bigger happening Behind the scenes, and if you don't address that point, you will constantly be searching for your purpose and feel like I did early on like your arms or legs or just fail flailing aimlessly. And you need to feel plugged into life, your life.
Step 3 - You have to find your tribe. So when I think about, you know, when I first got married, my husband and I did what other couples do, we went to, you know, the suburbs, and we were house hunting. And what we noticed on the commuter bus was that the passengers looked absolutely dead. They were alive, as in like reading their cell phones, but they didn't have like this life in them. And it was something that we felt being on this bus, and it scared the bejesus out of us to be honest. And so we didn't find suburbia, early on. So look around you look around at the moms that you talk to look around at your neighborhood. And you have to be honest with yourself like, is anyone around you high on life? Is anyone around you energize? Is anyone around you doing something that is plugged into their purpose? Like how often are you around that person? If it's not often enough, then you have to find your tribe. And your tribe? Might not be a mom tribe? Again, go back to the scripts as a stay at home mom in the past? like who are you supposed to be around other stay at home moms? Are you supposed to be around? You know, other people that are partnered up? Are you supposed to be around other 30 year olds, 40 year olds, 50 year olds, like we have these expectations and assumptions, or mom's scripts that really, really require almost like a reconsideration so that this way you feel on purpose, or even give yourself a shot to figure out what your purpose might be before being a mom. And at this point, what's urgent is that this season of being a mom, there's an expiration date. This was something else I read on the forums, there were some empty nesters who wish wish years before their kids left to university that they had gone on this journey of uncovering their purpose, because at this point, they felt so bored, and totally without purpose. So what I want to share with you in this podcast episode is a warning. It's a warning, this season of being a stay at home mom, unless you keep adopting children for the rest of your life, there comes a day where you will no longer have someone to stay home with. And for a lot of us this starts in kindergarten, Ever notice how like once your kids are out to school, you might struggle with figuring out what you should be doing during the course of the day. And even if you don't struggle with all the things that you give yourself to do. Have you ever felt like Hmm, what's the point of sweeping this floor again for the umpteenth time? Well imagine that as an empty nester, I can't imagine it. But according to the forums that I read, there's a lot of empty nesters who wish that they had taken the time to carve out in their stay at home mom journey to figure out what their ultimate purpose was, at least for the moment, and at least have a tool or method that they could apply throughout the life stages throughout their life stages. So here's where I'm going with this. This is so important. Like this topic of finding your purpose, besides or beyond being a mom is so important, so important that I decided to write a book about it.
And now for my BIG ask of you my fellow mom
I want every single mom that's listening to this, I want you personally to have the tools, resources, the support and the energy that you need to give yourself a chance to really live out your purpose. And honestly, if mental health matters to you, like really, really matters to you, then this conversation should speak to your heart whether you're a mom or not. If you believe like me, that you only get one life and you get to have happy days. And you get to get happy days, not just because of something that your kid did, but because of something that you did, then I want to invite you to help me.
Yep, I want your help. I am calling for 50-moms who enjoy reading non-fiction books to become beta readers in exchange for goodies including your name in my book credits. Continue reading for the details….
Right now, as I'm writing this book, tackling moms scripts, defying motherhood expectations scrapping some of the rules that I was told and writing my own motherhood rules. I need help. I need people who will read my book in the early days. So this is pre publishing date, I need moms who are from each of the 50 states. And I also want moms who are from English speaking countries, because this is a global conversation. This is not just a conversation for you, if you're like in Boston, or Austin or Astoria, like the same sentiments, this feeling of like, not having a purpose not having value, because you're not bringing in money, feeling like there's gotta be something more like this is really common. And honestly, it's probably in your own zip code. The issue is that we're not talking about it instead, a lot of us are pretending that everything is wonderful and hunky dory, when it really isn't. And so, even I, when I've lived in different countries, I've heard the same thing from stay at home moms, you could go to any children's area of a library anywhere around the world, and you will hear the same conversations, the frustrations of motherhood, how you feel like you don't have anything interesting going on how you don't even know where to begin, when it comes to professional conversations. Like this just needs to stop. Because if we have the most noble profession, then why is it that we don't feel like it's valued? Why is it that we don't all feel high on life and in purpose might it be because there's something else besides being a mom, that would actually give you that energy, that power, that lift, to actually feel happier every day? So that's my mission. And I want you to be part of it.
How to become a BETA reader? Simple DM me the word BETA on Instagram @melissallarena for details.
If you want to help me by being a beta reader, let me know, send me a DM on Instagram. So just DM me the word beta BETA, go to Instagram at Melissa Llarena. I am looking for beta readers who are going to have an early copy of my book, you will have an opportunity to give me feedback. This is essentially a nonfiction book about personal growth for moms so that this way you can figure out what is going to light you up. Might it be creative endeavor? Might it be starting a business? Might it be, you know, doing a podcast, I want you to understand what you might feel like you're up against, but no one is talking about in terms of those, those moms scripts. And then I want to give you the tools and inspiration you need from even people that are not moms. So that this way you can live with more enthusiasm, have a sense of playfulness, and have something really, really exciting to talk about, with anyone who will listen. So definitely I need BETA readers. Again, this is how it all works super simple. First of all, you're gonna get stickers, you're gonna get stickers, and I don't know about you. But for me, I was a big Lisa Frank fan, I couldn't afford all those stickers. But I want to give you a sticker. And it's gonna reflect a sense of this identity, this bigger identity more than a mom, who the heck knows what I will actually say, but I want you to be excited because you're gonna be part of a beta group collective of women, we're going to have copies of my book early. So before publishing date, you will have a chance to give me feedback, you will let me know what stories really resonated with you, you will also have a chance to look at my journal prompts, and answer them if that's your heart's desire, or provide feedback so that this way, my questions really, really help you do that deep inner work necessary to pull yourself up and feel excited about what you've got going on in your life. I'll give you the whole book, I'll give you a couple of questions that will help you focus in terms of this feedback. We're also going to do a beta reader party, and you're going to have your name in my book in my credit, so I want to be sure that I help you feel special, especially as the world says that stay at home moms are now must you be a mom to be a beta reader. Yes, it is important to have that perspective. Must you be a stay at home mom to be a beta reader? Not at all. You could be a working mom, you could have a business you can work for a corporation, but you must have a mom because moms have a very different way of looking at our priorities and the products that we choose to take on or not. So go ahead, send me a DM at Instagram. This will be in the show notes. So right now if you're looking at iTunes, just look at your cell phone when you are not driving, and you will see the spelling of my instagram name. It's at Melissa Llarena definitely send me the word beta b e t So just send me that word. And then I will share with you the details pertaining to when you will get the pre release copy of my book, the questions that you will be considering. And of course, I'll let you know the details about the beta reader reader party. Now, if you are being called to a higher purpose beyond, or besides being a mom, here's the truth. The only way to know is to actually show up for yourself today, because your purpose is your fuel, like you're going to need it you're gonna need to fill up all the time, so that this way you can give more and more of you to everyone else in your family. And at the end of the day, I think this is a very worthy, very worthy cause. Because so many stay at home moms out there. Like I honestly believe that if you're plugged into your purpose, you can actually solve the real challenges in this world. And without you, like you make up a huge part of the population. Without you, we're just never going to make the progress that we can as a society. So thank you for listening to this conversation. This is a call for beta readers, I would love a mom from every state in the United States to represent their state and be a beta reader. I would love a mom from English speaking countries to also show up as a beta reader, send me a DM at Melissa Llarena with the word beta B E T A. If you're interested in becoming a beta reader, the book is going to be about 70,000 words, you'll have three weeks to read it, I'll give you guided questions to consider. You'll have your name in the book, you'll also be invited to the VIP Beta reader party, and you will also have an opportunity to have and share and show off your sticker. Like I'm really excited about this sticker. So for sure, be part of this group be part of this community. I want to show you what it feels like to be totally alive and on purpose. And yes, it's okay if you are like me and you feel like your purpose might be beyond being a mom. That doesn't say anything about you as a good mom or not. Your good mom, you have someone's life in your heart. That's all you need to feel like you're getting it right. So I would love you on my book writing journey. Come and help me my beautiful betas come and help me.