Feb 2, 2023
Aging, sickness, and death are inevitable parts of life, but that doesn’t make it any easier to talk with your parents about their future care wishes. To help start the conversation, Aimee chats with Cameron Huddleston, a financial journalist and author of “Mom and Dad, We Need to Talk,” a book about how to have essential conversations with aging parents. Cameron shares some of her best tips from the book and the personal story that inspired her to write it in the first place.
Episode Highlights
Get documents in place during good times.
Cameron stressed the importance of getting the right documents into place before someone has a life-threatening health event, life-changing diagnosis, or shows signs of dementia. These documents include:
- Healthcare power of attorney to make medical decisions
- Will and estate plan
- Living will that specifies end-of-life medical care desires
Cameron prioritized getting these documents into place when her Mom was first diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease at age 65. This made it possible for her to eventually take over her Mom’s finances and healthcare when her disease progressed and she needed to be moved into a memory care facility.
“These estate planning documents are so important,” Cameron said. “They have to be drafted and signed while you’re still competent.”
Start talking with parents in their 50s.
While Cameron’s background as a financial journalist prepared her for the money and legal aspects of being a caregiver for a parent, she wasn’t ready for the tough conversations about other care aspects and wishes she had started asking her Mom about her end-of-life and healthcare preferences sooner.
“This is one of my regrets because we didn’t have those conversations,” she said. “One of the reasons why I wrote my book is because people need to have these conversations before there is a health emergency, before there’s a financial emergency, because at that point, it’s too late.”
Cameron recommends starting to talk with parents about their health desires when they’re in their 50s because they’re likely still healthy and doing fine. That’s because discussions about aging aren’t just one conversation, but a series of conversations that could take months or even years.
“The sooner you can start, the better,” she said. “You can start by simply asking ‘what if’ scenarios.”
Break the ice by taking action first.
If you feel uncomfortable bringing these topics up to your parents, start by putting together your own plans first and sharing what you’re doing with your family. You can create or update essential documents and tell your spouse, children, and parents your desires for care in the future.
Topics to cover in the conversations include:
- Do you have a living will? What kind of care do you want if you’re hospitalized and can’t make decisions?
- Do you have a medical power of attorney? Have you named someone to make medical decisions for you?
- What insurance policies do you have? Do you have life insurance?
- Do you have a will or trust? Where can I find those documents?
- What bills do you have to pay? Are your bills paid automatically? Do you still write checks? Do you still pay a mortgage? What income do you use to pay your bills?
Create a document with important information.
It can be helpful for parents to create a document with important information as well as information about how and when to access it in case of an emergency or life-changing event.
Make sure to include:
- Income, debt, and bill information
- Bank accounts and investment information
- Locations of property deeds and merit certificates
- Social security number or location of social security card
- Medicare number and medical history
- Copy of estate planning documents or location of estate planning documents
Include siblings in the conversations.
One word of caution from Cameron is to give your siblings a heads up that you will be talking to parents about health and end-of-life issues, including asking them about their finances. If you don’t include siblings in the initial conversation, sometimes they can be resentful or suspicious later on.
You also want to have a conversation before any major events about the roles siblings will play when parents get old. Siblings can even go to their parents with suggestions for who should have power of attorney, who should be the executor of the estate, and who should oversee financial matters.
“If you can come to an agreement beforehand and there is an emergency, you know what rolls you need to fill,” she said.
Pushback is normal.
Even if you talk with a loved one in advance about their desires, that doesn’t mean it will be any easier when it comes time to act. It’s common for an aging relative to be upset about losing their independence, whether taking away the car keys or moving in with a relative for better care. However, if you’ve had the conversation in advance, you can at least take comfort in knowing it’s a choice your relatives agreed to when they were healthy.
“When you get to that point and have to put that plan into action, you know you’re doing what the person would have wanted you to do,” Cameron said. “They might not agree with it at the time because they’re no longer thinking the same way, but you know this is what they wanted when they were of sound mind and could make an informed decision.”
Resources + Links
- Cameron Huddleston: Website, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn
- “Mom and Dad, We Need to Talk”
- Kitchen Chats on YouTube
- Aimee Kandrac: Website, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn
- WhatFriendsDo: Website, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn
About Aimee and WhatFriendsDo
Aimee Kandrac is a speaker, consultant, and the co-founder and CEO of WhatFriendsDo. Her work is instrumental for organizing support during life-changing events, and she speaks to organizations about creative ways to help friends and family during times of crisis. Aimee has been recognized as a Top 50 Mompreneur by Babble.com and is the first female CEO in the state of Indiana to close a $500,000 funding round. She has been featured in Forbes, Time, the LA Times, Oprah.com, the Indianapolis Star, and more.
WhatFriendsDo is a simpler way to create organized and actionable support during a time of crisis. The free, online platform empowers healthcare facilities, HR departments, families, and friends to easily coordinate meals, errands, transportation, childcare, communication, and more for those in the midst of a life-changing event. The women-founded and women-led company started as a solution for a friend with terminal cancer. WhatFriendsDo is based out of Indianapolis.