Jun 8, 2021
In this episode, you'll learn how childhood trauma impacts our ability to engage with people and how it holds us back from truly having the life and love that we dream of. Riana shares 10 childhood traumas that sabotage us in life, love, relationships, and business
GUEST BIO: Riana Milne MA is a Certified, Global Life & Trauma Recovery Coach, a Certified Clinical Trauma Addictions Professional & a Certified Mindfulness Coach. She is also the host of her podcast, Lessons in Life & Love, and a Licensed Mental Health Counsellor.
Riana is the author of 'Love Beyond Your Dreams - Break Free from Toxic Relationships to Have the Love You Deserve is available from Amazon here: https://www.amazon.com/Riana-Milne/e/B00J7CCT3I%3Fref=dbs_a_mng_rwt_scns_share
Website: https://RianaMilne.com
Podcast: https://LessoninLifeandLove.com Youtube channel: https://www.youtube.com/user/RianaMilne
[00:11:48] Right? Okay. So here's the first one. Your caretakers are mom and dad. Did they have any addiction? Now? I'm an addiction specialist. So I name addictions that maybe people haven't thought of, but there's drugs and alcohol sex, meaning you knew your parent was cheating, but you couldn't tell anyone porn, gambling, hoarding spending.
[00:12:11] Eating gaming TV, watching workaholism. And now I've added social media addiction. You're on the computers all the time. Ignoring your child. Okay. So that's addiction. Number two is verbal abuse. Now you could have watched them. Mommy they're fighting and yelling. They could have been yelling at you quite a bit in the household.
[00:12:34] It also includes verbal slights or put downs, like change that outfit. You look fat in that, you know, something like that, or never hearing compliments like way to go kiddo on proud of you or even hearing the words I love you. So verbal is quite important as we go through the other, uh, outcomes. Number three is emotional abuse or neglect.
[00:12:59] Number four is physical abuse, rape or molestation, and these could have happened inside or outside of the home. So you can add a perfect home life, but you go for school and you got beat up every day, going to school. That's an issue. Okay. The next one is a pretty important one too. That's based around the abandonment and I identify faults and no faults abandonment.
[00:13:22] So I know false abandonment would be if a parent happened to die early. If they go, went off to war or, and believe me, we working in the schools as a trauma counselor, my little elementary kids who are we're just so blanked out, they couldn't study, they couldn't learn. Cause they're just so worried is my mom and dad going to come home alive.
[00:13:42] So military kids have a lot of trauma ongoing in their mindset. Um, it also could be a parent that travels a lot. Um, and that's how they supported the family. And I could identify with that when I'm like, oh my gosh. I remember now asking my mom as a little [00:14:00] kid. Where's dad and when's he coming home? And my mom would never know much later in life.
[00:14:05] We found out my dad was CIA FBI. You can't tell your family where you are and what you're doing. But as for a child that was very unnerving because I was very close to my dad. I was always wondering if he's okay, but that's how he supported the family. Okay. So that's a no fault, a fault abandonment. It would be never being in the child's life, being in the child's life until the couple stays together.
[00:14:28] When. Because it breaks up. They're pretty much gone and they're gone emotionally and physically. And the third one is that parent may be still in their house, but emotionally they're absent. So they're not spending time with a child. They don't go there. Athletic games or art shows. They're just not stepping up.
[00:14:46] They're just not that involved or concerned with the kids. So that's an emotionally checking out. Okay. The next one is being part of adoption, being adopted part of the foster care system. Or needed to [00:15:00] live in another person's home because your parents couldn't keep you at that house. They lost their house.
[00:15:05] They couldn't afford to have you with them. Okay. Trauma number seven is one of the ones that people recognize the most. We call this personal trauma that when I could identify, it's like, yes, I was skinny and gawky and I was teased in middle school horribly. Okay. So anywhere you felt different, you could have been an overweight and chubby child called the nerd.
[00:15:29] Um, You could have had a medical issue like asthma. So you had to walk around with a inhaler and you couldn't go to the sports and sit down with Jim. You could have been identifying as LGBTQ and you were afraid to say anything or people teased you because you were different. It could have been racial.
[00:15:46] You might've been an African-American and a primarily all white school and they just didn't accept. You didn't feel the same. So there could be so many different things wrapped around trauma. Number seven, you just didn't feel good enough fit in or feel [00:16:00] worthy for some reason. Trauma number eight is sibling trauma.
[00:16:04] Most often this one is when you identify your sibling as being the golden child, they were favored. For some reason, they could have been more handsome or beautiful, the athletic star, uh, the better student, um, or they could have bullied. You. And another reason is I could have been born with the medical issue that commanded more of moms and dads time.
[00:16:27] And they were with them more than you. And you felt slighted now, trauma number nine. This is one that everyone can relate to today. So this is one of your 10 going on right now. It's called community trauma and under community trauma is our reactions to COVID. Okay. This is a packing everyone around the world.
[00:16:46] Think about our little people that can't go to school, have to wear mask can play with friends. Don't know if their mom and dad are going to get sick. Are they going to die? You know, all these frightening. Things traumatic [00:17:00] statements on the news, um, that are impacting us every day. So whether an adult or a child, we're all going through this community trauma.
[00:17:09] Now, other community traumas are floods, fires, mudslides. Uh, our mass shootings are school shootings. A tack on our Capitol. I mean, us watching that in America was like, oh my God, are we serious right now? This is happening in our world and our country. So anything affecting the community and this is getting worse and worse and worse as time goes on.
[00:17:34] I'm a baby boomer. So when I was growing up, we barely had community trauma. It was in the later list because there are more than 10 traumas. But I had to bring it down to trauma. Number nine, now trauma. The other part of trauma number nine is family trauma. So now let's think of all the families impacted by people being laid off stores and businesses.
[00:17:53] Closing no income kids afraid if they're going to have. Or the, the [00:18:00] bill, you know, the lights are going out off or they don't have heat or air conditioning. All these are happening today. Right? Other family traumas, living in a dangerous neighborhood. You're afraid of that. The military families move every two to four years that puts the child in a new school every time.
[00:18:18] Uh, if you have an incarcerated parent, So there's a lot around the family trauma piece, lack, monetary lack, and that went impacts a lot of people in business decisions. If they've come from that statements of lack. And then in trauma, number 10 is any mental health issues in mom or debt. Now, baby boomers, we often did not see our parents going to counseling.
[00:18:43] It rarely existed. So we kind of have to guess. The two most difficult mental health is, um, bipolar and borderline personality disorder is, are the toughest for children to negotiate. So borderline [00:19:00] I describe it as fast trigger anger. You never know what you're going to get when they're bad, they're really horrid, but then they have really good moods too.
[00:19:09] So the moodiness is all over the place and it keeps a child in a very anxious state. Bipolar is the other one, which is manic depressive. Depression shows up as extreme exhaustion, um, checking out emotionally or even anger when you're depressed and a manager. Face could be a gambling spree, eating binge spending spree when you don't have money.
[00:19:33] Um, and then that adds to all the anxiety around watching these manic behaviors. And even as a child, you know, like why is she buying that we don't even have money to eat? You know? So is
[00:19:48] WENDY: [00:19:48] alcohol a part of that too, with the manic side of depression?
[00:19:51] RIANA: [00:19:51] Well, any type of addiction, compulsion acting out, but that usually would go under trauma.
[00:19:57] Number one, if there's addiction in the house. Yeah.
00:20:00] WENDY: fascinating. I like as you're going through and I'm sure everybody listening too. I'm like, is that one me? Is that one me? Oh, that one's me. Okay. That one's me. That's right. So, so talk to me a little bit about like, people obviously were just going through the exercise that I just went through.
So once we've identified, which of the top 10 traumas we've experienced? Then what
[00:20:25] RIANA: then what? Well, if they are, my clients are coming to me for a discovery session, I do that in one hour. I give them four assessments, five assessments, actually, we go through all of them and then I look at the severity levels.
[00:20:38] Well, do you remember getting punished with about. Weiss. And that was pretty bad. What number would you give that one to 10? Well, they might say maybe a four, you know, and then there's other people that say, why come home every day to a beading and that's a 10. So we have to do the severity levels of where they felt they feel on that scale.
[00:20:58] And then once we got that, now we go into, if they signed up to coach with me, we start with healing, the trauma first. Creating that life dream that they have, like, what do you want in your life? And let's get rid of the trauma. That's holding you back, keeping you stuck in fear, negativity, self doubts, raise your self esteem, raise your confidence, give you the mindset for success tools.
[00:21:24] And when we've got all that for my singles, when they're feeling really great about who they are. They are the life they want. They cleaned up any financial, legal problems. They've got a good relationship with their kids. Their kids aren't angry anymore. We work with all of that. Then they get the dating and love piece.
[00:21:41] What does the emotionally healthy, evolved and conscious relationship look like? And part of it is really understanding the 10 traumas in themselves and in another. So just even on your first or second date, my clients have like 25 questions that does he just casually ask. Okay. And they know, yes, this person is healed or this person by good luck and God bless.
[00:22:04] I'm moving on to the next one. So you learn to identify early, what's emotionally healthy and what's not. And why the why's the most important part. Um, but you should know how this plays out. Like what are the characteristics that come up, right. If you had this or you see this in your X, so those are that you that are divorced and moving on from that look.
[00:22:28] That the singer X and see how many of these they had. Okay. So one is lying and manipulation. Where'd that come from? Let's take a little boy that had a very strict, angry punishing father, and this kid was supposed to get all A's and B's and he came home with a. F on his report card. He tried to change it to an a, because they had avid sign.
[00:22:49] It's like, oh my God, that works. So he learns to become an expert liar and manipulator because otherwise, if he didn't, he would've gotten beat for childhood things that kids do. Right. And these parents want their kids to be perfect. And if they don't, they get beat. So they learn lying as a survival tool.
[00:23:10] Right. It's a coping mechanism. Okay. Let's talk about jealousy and control that when comes, if you had trauma number seven and trauma number two, which were those verbal messages that were punishing or put downs, leaving you, not feeling worthy enough, pretty enough, handsome enough, whatever. And you're jealous because you think that partner who's so great is going to go after someone else, even though he's doing all the right things consciously he's okay.
[00:23:39] Calling you and he's texting you and he says, he loves you. All those things are great, but you still have this underlying fear that there's going to be somebody else. Okay. Let's talk about men who cheat. Why are they cheap? They usually looking for adoration. They go to had a bad relationship with their mom, also trauma number seven, trauma, number two, they didn't feel good enough.
[00:24:03] They might've been a chubby kid. Some know like them now that they grew into the man and they're kind of handsome. They want women to adore them. Now I see a lot of dynamic. I get a lot of women successful in business, but struggle in love. And this one happens a lot. They might go for that charm, enhance some guy, but is not on her success level.
[00:24:25] And initially these relationships they're very attentive. They're loving, they'll do anything for you. And then four months to nine months in the research shows, as soon as things start getting serious. Is going to start controlling you or asking you to make love. And he's like, well, I got an eight o'clock meeting.
[00:24:43] I can't be late. Oh, come on, come on. And they try to convince you. And you know, so they're starting little by little to whittle away at your power and control that you have for yourself and in the workplace. Just to step up. I mean, if you ladies have seen dirty John or, and if you haven't, you should see it on Netflix.
[00:25:02] It is the classic example of someone with childhood trauma who became a sociopath and what sociopath's do. And he actually became psychopathic in the end. And the differences are psychopath is a sociopath, um, and narcissists who kills. A sociopath is someone who uses someone for pleasure or profit and lifestyle.
[00:25:25] So if you are earning more than that, man, and initially they seem like the great partner. You could be better. Be careful if they're an underlaying, if they're not as successful as you, they could be sociopathic and wanting your life and trying to do everything to win your love and attention. But these are probably going to be toxic over time.
[00:25:46] So you have to be super careful on that. Um, so that's where jealousy and control comes from. And sociopathy people pleasing is something a lot of women do. They let's take a [00:26:00] woman that had a difficult mom, let's say she was an alcoholic. So she, as the older sister used to get the siblings ready for school and out to the bus stop and do all the morning chores instead of the mom, because the mom was hung over and was grouchy and angry in the morning.
[00:26:15] So she overdid and she learned if she did that, she received love back. And compliments, thanks Han for taking care of the kids or whatever. Um, so she learned this as a coping mechanism. It became normalized. And then I see these couples later, whether a woman says I don't get it. I do everything for him and my kids.
[00:26:36] And nobody shows me the kind of love and respect that I give to them. And their boundaries are so stretched doing, doing, doing to get love back. Right. And again, this is all unconscious. It all comes from, you know, uh, these behaviors that became so normalized abandonment issues. If you have abandonment issues in your life, this is where we see love addiction, [00:27:00] codependency.
[00:27:01] And the repetitive breakups cycle of toxic people and the research shows if you're in a toxic relationship and toxic attracts toxic, okay. That's how they get together. Then, um, they go back and forth, breaking up, making up over and over again, seven times until the healthier partner says I can't stand this anymore.
[00:27:25] This is ridiculous. You know, the person sway heirs are got changed. They changed it's usually 10 days is the average. The things are good. And then it gets stocks like again, and we call that the cycle of abuse or cycle of toxic relationships. Um, perfectionism by the way, I mean, yeah, isn't it perfectionism wanting your partner to be perfect.
[00:27:50] Um, these are the guys that want that perfect woman by their side. Even if they're not, they want that size for a woman with a per perfect skin and [00:28:00] hair and dress. And why? Because they got no attention as kids. So they're using again, that woman to be the it couple. And, you know, God forbid you go up a dress size.
[00:28:11] They're all over you. But the controlling and jealous man will change the way you dress. Right? So none of them are good, a blaming behavior. They never take responsibility. It's always your fault or not willing to talk to you. Passive aggressive behavior. Where's that come from? In other words, they shut down.
[00:28:30] They won't talk through an issue. There'll be mad at you and put you into the silent treatment for two days. Um, that comes. From they learned as a kid. If I speak up and say, what's on my mind or my feelings about it, I'm going to get whacked across the face. So they totally shut down. That is their coping skill.
[00:28:49] Right? So these men have a hard time, uh, talking about their feelings. So there's so many, those are just a few
[00:28:58] WENDY: I literally could sit here and listen to you all day. I, this is so fascinating because it's like, what happens, right. If people don't, what I love about what you're sharing is that, I mean, I don't know about everybody listening, but you to past relationships and even my ex-husband I'm like.
[00:29:15] Oh, my God, this makes so much sense now. Or, or this person I broke up with that I was dating. Thank God. I broke up with him because you know, oh, M G right. So yes. So how can somebody start stepping into the healing process of this? Right, because I imagine that if they don't do the work, right, I say this in divorce.
[00:29:36] If you don't do the work, you're going to just keep duplicating. That's right.
[00:29:40] RIANA: You're going to keep duplicating these types of relationships. You're going to keep attracting the same type. And that's what everyone that comes to me. It's like, oh my God, I've had the same type of person over and over again.
[00:29:51] What's the matter with me. And like I said, I get their point of frustration. I was there in their shoes. Right. So it's a huge learning. Curve. Right. And you're not just going to go out and pick up a self-help book and get this. No, this is all based on psychological research. So I describe it like a rainbow, your start at the place where you don't know what you don't know, and that's perfectly fine.
[00:30:13] We do the deep dive into the childhood. Trauma piece and recognize how your traumas are impacting you now, what you're attracting into your life and why then we have to rewrite the story. We have to do some reparenting. We do capping, and then we do a lot of holistic things. I do vitamin therapy for my people meditation.
[00:30:34] None of my people are on anti, um, psychotropic drugs, like, uh anti-anxiety or anti-depression meds. No, my people are all for those. Once we get started, there's only 33% success rate there. Rest is placebo and the side effects are bad. So I do everything holistically. I haven't looked at your diet right.
[00:30:53] Everything right. Your space that you're living in, I check everything. So it's a learning [00:31:00] curve. And as you do better and you're feeling better about your life, you're going up the rainbow, but then you're going to slip and then you'll go up. But then you slip and people are like, well, what is the slippage?
[00:31:08] Why do I have to slip? And it's because the unconscious is so strong. Most people just act without thinking. That's the unconscious in control. So what I'm teaching you with the mindset for success is to have total conscious awareness, 24 seven before you speak, right? Anything texts, anything these thoughts go through your mind and you've learned to slow down the anxious thoughts.
[00:31:36] Now all my people with childhood trauma usually have ongoing anxiety. That's one of the ways you can identify yourself. Like if you're always feeling anxious all the time, that's a sign. There's a lot of internal healing to do because trauma stays stored in the brain and the body cells and all my trauma education to become certified as.
[00:31:58] The professional was saying that trauma recovery is about six months long. Right? So we have to do the practices of all these different techniques and what person a gets is going to be different than person B and person C. And it's very individualized because nobody came from the same environment. Or the same story, right?
[00:32:20] So I have to work with you to put your individual puzzle together. And the cool thing is with this workbook I put together that's 150 pages. How you answer is how I then teach you to do the things that you need to do to change, heal, and grow and transform. So it's all back and forth interactive like a team.
[00:32:42] Yep. Yeah. And that's why I love coaching versus counseling, you know? Yeah. I've been a licensed mental health counselor for 21 years, but my people have texts access to me. If they need me, boom. They can reach me because I understand the state of trauma. That they need help. So it's a, like a coach in your pocket for six months.
[00:33:03] It's a very different approach to healing growth and creating the life you desire. And that's what my people do. And then when they go out dating, they're ready, they're feeling amazing. They know that they're the whole package. They know all the dating do's and don'ts. Trust me. I armed them with all of that.
[00:33:21] The questions to ask who is emotionally healthy and who's not. And why. Yeah.
[00:33:27] WENDY: everybody listening, you hear me say this all the time. You hear every guest that comes on my show, say this, you've got to do the work. And you've got to do the work with somebody who knows what they're doing.
[00:33:37] Right. You've got to do the work before you start moving forward with it. What your next life looks like and, oh my goodness. Brianna, thank you so much for being here. I'd love for you to just leave our audience with one final tip, um, that we maybe haven't gotten to yet to, to help them in this process.
[00:34:00] RIANA: Sure for singles. I always say, be who you want to attract. So before you go out there dating, if you know, you have some things you have to work on, invest in yourself and do that first, do not be dating because you might meet a fantastic guy that says, whoa, She, I don't like her energy. She's too negative.
[00:34:19] Right? So the first who you want to attract for singles, so important, get the skills that you really need, which is psychology spirituality. There's a whole lot of edge that you need to compete in single world. So get that first couples, if you're in a relationship and you're not sure if you're going to stay or go, um, You sign up first.
[00:34:42] And I have a married man right now that says she doesn't want to do it. And I don't know if I want to stay in this marriage. We've been in counseling for a year together and it's getting worse. And I'm about to tell her to leave my house. And I said, Then you do it, not a problem. So I'll call him bell.
[00:34:59] And on the third session she says, oh, you know, she's here. And she just wants you to know, thank you. You have been changing so much already. And by the fifth session, he goes, I feel better than I ever had in my life. She actually came on to me for the first time in two years with some intimacy and sexual advances.
[00:35:18] Why before he was pushing at her, he was lazy. He was watching too much TV. He wasn't working like he was, he wasn't shaving. He smelled. And he even admitted by the second session, he goes, oh my God, I'm the narcissist. I thought all the problems were her. But, and I said, good for you. Great. For that insight, he goes, oh, I'm this I'm that?
[00:35:39] And I said, no, no, no, no. Don't put yourself down. These are just outcomes from what you experienced from a very critical toxic mother. Right. So now let's just heal those things. Right. So, you know, you start, if you're in a couple of relationship and if they don't want to, it doesn't matter. Now he's happier than ever.
[00:35:59] She's attracted. Their marriage is taking off and she goes, I can't believe this is working. We've been in a year for therapy and. This is your fifth session.
[00:36:08] WENDY: Wait a minute. And this is the power of, of what you do, right? This is a power. I believe the power in just coaching overall, right. Is, you know, I, I'm a huge proponent of therapy.
[00:36:18] I think therapy is important for many reasons. And at the same time, there's other ways that you also get to heal that address other issues that therapy doesn't necessarily. Well,
[00:36:30] RIANA: [00:36:30] as I learned, we don't learn this in our college prepar that ration for our licenses. We don't get it now. So most therapists will not know how to go deep with this top.
[00:36:41] Yeah. Just because we didn't get it. Exactly.